How To Overcome Painful Feelings Of Guilt That Keep Lingering

This post was developed via a partnership with BetterHelp.

We’ve all felt guilty for something before, and it’s natural to feel guilt at some point. But guilt is so pervasive that we even have names for all of the different kinds of guilt. There’s parental guilt, money guilt, work guilt, guilt over consuming entertainment, and too many more to name. No matter which kind of guilt we’re feeling, it’s important to understand that guilt is a feeling we have: It’s not a fact. And it’s certainly not who we are. 

 

Guilt also isn’t something we have to beat ourselves up over. Fortunately, there are strategies that can help almost anyone learn how to deal with guilt. In this article, we’ll look at some of the hidden ways guilt works to cause negative consequences in our lives – and how to take more control of those feelings. 

 

Ways We Experience Guilt

While we often think of guilt in superficial ways, such as guilt over spending money, there are two broad ways to categorize guilt. According to some researchers, the concept of guilt can be divided into altruistic guilt and deontological guilt. We experience altruistic guilt when we do something to cause harm to others. While deontological guilt derives from causing harm to ourselves in the form of breaking our own morals or personal standards for conduct. 

 

How Guilt Works Negatively Against Us

As humans we make thousands of decisions each day, according to some research that number can go as high as 30,000-35,000 decisions per day. We have to decide what time to wake up, what to eat for each meal, what to wear, and when to start work or end work. 

 

We make thousands of decisions per day between work and caring for the people in our lives, it’s highly likely we’re going to get some of those decisions wrong. And that’s okay. We’re all fallible humans, it’s actually to be expected. Yet, why do we sometimes feel painful guilt over decisions that linger and can interfere with our wellbeing?

 

Guilt may be more accurately viewed as a series of actions and feelings. The first part of guilt is feeling badly about the event, thought or action. The second part of the guilt cycle is assuming responsibility for that particular event, thought or action. The third part involves internalizing behavior, such as feeling lowered self-esteem or developing a maladaptive response which harms us, such as disordered eating.

 

So while we all have guilty feelings over things at some point in our lives, developing negative coping patterns or experiencing self-esteem issues is tied to assuming responsibility for an event, thought or action. 

 

Guilt Is Related To Feelings Of Responsibility

While we often feel guilt over something we’ve done, it’s entirely possible for someone to feel guilt and responsibility for something they had no control over. It’s important to make the distinction between feeling guilty and the legal definition of guilt, which is when someone is deemed responsible for a crime or offense.  

Young children can often feel guilty over their parent’s divorce, but as adults we know that no child could be responsible for what their grown parents did or didn’t do to maintain their relationship. Just because we feel guilty doesn’t mean we are guilty of anything, and we don’t have to continue in the same pattern without relief. There are ways of better managing guilt. 

 

Take These Steps To Better Manage And Overcome Feelings Of Guilt

 

1. Identify And Explore Your Feelings – Are you feeling guilty because of something you’ve done to yourself or someone else? 

 

1. Start Examining Whether You’re Responsible Or Not – Often we feel a sense of guilt for something we didn’t have control over. Even if there’s no logical way anyone would hold you responsible for something, it’s still possible to be erroneously blaming yourself. 

 

1. Is It Possible To Make Amends? – If you’ve determined that you’re responsible for something, then make amends to those who have been harmed. Keep in mind, there’s no way to make amends for something that you aren’t responsible for. 

 

1. Forgive – Whether you need to seek forgiveness from someone else or need to forgive yourself, practice asking for and receiving the forgiveness we all deserve as fallible human beings who make mistakes. 

 

1. Become Aware Of Negative Self-Talk As It Arises – The process will not be completely straightforward, and then everything is quickly fixed. Feelings of guilt and even shame may continue to arise. That’s why it’s important to be aware of the self-blaming negative self-talk when it arises. 

 

1. Seek A Therapist Or An Outside Opinion – Sometimes, even when you do as much as you can there will still negative feelings that become challenging to manage. A therapist or a trusted friend can provide the kind of counsel you may need to put the guilt behind you. 

In Conclusion
Everyone has regrets, but don’t hesitate to seek help if the thoughts and feelings surrounding something you feel guilty about become overwhelming. You deserve to be free of guilt, we all do. Sometimes, asking for help can be the healthiest step we can take to improve our mental wellbeing and live the life we dream of having.